RANDOM THINGS THAT ARE USELESS

*Ducks quacks don't echo. No one knows why.
*Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.
*We shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime.
*Like fingerprints, everyones tongueprint is different.
*Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people
*A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day
*In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
*A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
*Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.
*Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn't wear pants.
*The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
*111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
*The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
*The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet.
*If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow.
*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
*Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
*40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance.
*Most toliets flush in E-flat.
*It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
*The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
*In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
*A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
*The longest one-syllable word is "screeched."
*Frowning burns more calories than smiling.
*1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.
*The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
*The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.
*If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
*A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber.
*Children grow faster in the spring.
*On average, a human being will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
*Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
*A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over100 miles per hour.
*Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.
*A "dude" is an infected hair on an elephants butt.
*The average person has a total of 6 pounds of skin.
*Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
*On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
*On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
*Red is the most commonly colored vehical involved in accidents each year.
*The swastika was origionaly a symbol of peace and honor and is still used by Buddhists today.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
*The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
*Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes

Mush... lol

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

Be Positive

Standing for what you believe in, regardless of the odds against you, and the pressure that tears at your resistance,
...means courage

Keeping a smile on your face, When inside you feel like dying, for the sake of supporting others,
...means strength

Stopping at nothing, and doing what's in your heart, you know is right,
...means determination

Doing more than is expected, to make another's life a little more bearable, without uttering a single complaint,
...means compassion

Helping a friend in need, no matter the time or effort, to the best of your ability,
...means loyalty

Giving more than you have, and expecting nothing but nothing in return,
...means selflessness

Holding your head high, and being the best you know you can be when life seems to fall apart at your feet, facing each difficulty with the confidence that time will bring you better tomorrows, and never giving up,
...means confidence.

Be You (2)

Always be yourself.
Never try to hide who you are.
The only shame is to have shame.
Always stand up for what you believe in.
Always question what other people tell you.
Never regret the past...it's a waste of time.
There's a reason for everything; every mistake, every moment of weakness, every terrible thing that has happened to you. grow from it.
The only way you can ever get the respect of others is when you show them that you respect yourself.
And most importantly, do your thing and never apologize for being you

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her"....

Lessons in Life

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


"A REAL FRIEND IS ONE WHO WALKS IN WHEN
THE REST OF THE WORLD WALKS OUT

Maybe the world would be a little nicer if everyone…

•Stopped just LISTENING to a friend’s problems and started actually CARING about them. Believe me; they’ll be able to tell the difference.

•Said hello to a random stranger. Some people might give you a weird look, but you never know when you’re missing out on meeting someone amazing because of words unspoken.

•Walked away from an argument before they say something they’ll regret later. Once you set your mind to it, it’s not hard to be the bigger person.

•Stopped caring about what everyone else thinks. If you have time to care, then you’re not really living life.

•Didn’t believe what people who DON'T MATTER say. They’re just trying to hurt you, so don’t bother listening.

•Expressed what they feel. Even anger and hurt are better than no emotion at all.

•Apologized when they know they’re wrong. Pride can’t keep you company on a cold night.

•Allowed themselves to love. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

•Complained about their lives less. Everyone has problems, some worse than others, but complaining never solves anything.

•Tried a little harder to achieve their dreams. Because without dreams, what else are we living for?

•Helped someone even when they didn’t ask for it. Sometimes two simple little words like “Help me” becomes the most difficult thing to say.

•Prayed. It doesn’t matter what you say, how you say it, or what god you say it to, as long as you have enough faith left to care and care enough to have faith.

•Just laughed. Laughing is so much more important than we give it credit for.

•Were a bit more optimistic. We make our hell, our heaven too, with how we act, and what we do.

•Had a best friend. Friendship is a precious gift...try not to lose it.

•Moved past the bad things. There are times in life when there isn’t a solution or an explanation, and we have no other choice but to, Just. Move. On.

•Shared their wisdom. The next generation needs guidance just as much as you once did…even if they won’t admit it.

•Stopped with prejudice. Everyone deserves a chance, so give them one.



And maybe YOUR life would be a little brighter if you…

•Stopped sitting here reading this list and actually went out in the world and made a difference. Be worthwhile, make an impact!

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FLOWER

The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read

Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree.

Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,

For the world was intent on dragging me down.

And if that weren't enough to ruin my day,

A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play

He stood right before me with his head tilted down

And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!"

In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight,

With its petals all worn - not enough rain, or too little light.

Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play,

I faked a small smile and then shifted away.

But instead of retreating he sat next to my side

And placed the flower to his nose

And declared with overacted surprise,

It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too.

That's why I picked it; here, it's for you."

The weed before me was dying or dead.

Not vibrant of colors: orange, yellow or red.

But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave.

So I reached for the flower, and replied, "Just what I need."

but instead of him placing the flower in my hand,

He held it mid-air without reason or plan.

It was then that I noticed for the very first time

That weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.

I heard my voice quiver; tears shone in the sun

As I thanked him for picking the very best one.

You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play,

Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day.

I sat there and wondered how he managed to see

A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree.

How did he know of my self-indulged plight?

Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight.

Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see

The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.

And for all of those times I myself had been blind,

I vowed to see the beauty in life, And appreciate every second that's mine.

And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose

And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose

And smiled as I watched that young boy, Another weed in his hand,

About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.

Three Things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back

Time : Words : Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost

Peace : Hope : Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable

Love : Self-Confidence : Friends

Three things in life that are never certain

Dreams : Success : Fortune

Three things that make a person

Hardwork : Sincerity : Commitments

Three things in life that can destroy a person
Alcohol : Pride : Anger

Three things in life that, once lost, hard to build-up

Respect : Trust : Friends

Three things in life that never fail

True Love : Determination : Belief

BE YOU

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending.

Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.

Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you."

The less we look with our eyes, the more we will see with our hearts.

Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle.

I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like me.

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it

The Final Analysis

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Be Proactive

Don't wait for time. Make it.
Don't wait for love. Feel it.
Don't wait for money. Earn it.
Don't wait for the path. Find it.
Don't wait for opportunity. Create it.
Don't go for less. Get the best.
Don't compare. Be unique.
Don't fight your misfortune. Transform it.
Don't avoid failure. Use it.
Don't dwell on mistake. Learn from it.
Don't back down. Go around.
Don't close your eyes. Open your mind.
Don't run for life. Embrace it.

I am Thankful

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Smart Lil Gurl

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Little Tony

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10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

How to call the police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT...

10 commandments of being a teenager

1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)

2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)

3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)

5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)

7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)

10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"


"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard".

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbere

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

Its Up to YOU!

one song can spark a moment
one flower can wake a dream
one tree can start a forest
one bird can herald spring
one smile brings a friendship
one handclasp lifts a soul
one star can guide a ship at sea
one word can frame a goal
one vote can change a nation
one sunbeam lights a room
one candle wipes out darkness
one laugh can conquer gloom
one step must start each journey
one word must start each prayer
one hope will rise our spirits
one touch can show you care
one voice can speak with wisdom
one heart can know what`s true
one life can make a difference
you see..
it's up to you

This is one of the best emails I have ever gotten!!

*Dear Wife:*

*I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good **man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.*

*Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.*
*Your EX-Husband*
*P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!*


*Dear Ex-Husband -*

*Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the
first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. *

*About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

**So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.*

*I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.*

*Signed,*

*Your Ex-Wife, **Rich As Hell and Free!*

*P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. *
*I hope that's not a problem.*

6 rules for dieting

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories.

Random Thoughts to Ponder

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred Naira and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty kobo?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Math Homework

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b**ch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b**ch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**ch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Today is What you make it

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before
the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to
fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind
of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can
be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can
be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases
wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I
am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me
when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they
allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate
that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly
embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can
shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or
eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of
knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework
or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter
for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here
I am the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

9 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a B**ch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ..." Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction